Losing Vanessa Rae

For those of you who have read my blog before, you've probably noticed it hasn't been updated in...way too long. There's no great excuse...just staying busy. I've wanted to blog about Vanessa for a long time, and tonight's the night. If you don't know, Vanessa Rae Holland Mullins has been one of my friends for as long as I can remember. She passed away on Januray 20th from complications related to lymphoma. She courageously fought her disease for almost 3 years, which is amazing. More amazing was her incredible faith. The day she was diagnosed in April of 2008, she and Rob began a blog (http://www.wewillbeatthis.blogspot.com/), which kept her prayer warriors updated on her latest treatments and the other goings-on in their lives. The title of the blog page is "WITH GOD, We Will Beat This." You see, from the very beginning, Vanessa knew the only way she would cope with her diagnosis was with her Savior by her side. Sure she wondered why the Lord allowed her to bear this burden, but she never questioned that He had a plan for her life, her every breath. She claimed Jeremiah 29:11 as her verse for her cancer journey...I haven't seen many others live it more fully. "For I know the plans I have for you, saith the Lord..." Vanessa believed that with every fiber of her being.


In 2009, Vanessa was declared cancer-free and we were so excited! At Christmas that year, she informed us that despite several doctors telling them they would NEVER have children, Vanessa joyfully announced her surprise pregnancy. To me, it was by way of a text message picture of her ultrasound with a caption that read, "Look what Santa brought me!" I immediately burst into tears! We talked about how good God was and what a perfect, absolute miracle this baby was. Vanessa had endured round after round of chemo and radiation, which the doctors said would kill any chances of her lifelong dream of having a baby of her very own. HA! Jesus showed them! :) Of course, Vanessa had Emilee and Natalie, and absolutely considered them her own daughters even though their DNA may differ. A couple months before the baby was to be born, Vanessa got the news that her cancer was back. The doctors tried to convince her to have the baby early and begin treatments right away. She wouldn't hear of it! She wanted to give that baby every possible chance to be healthy. Cameron Shaw Mullins, a living, breathing miracle child, was born on August 12th, 2010. He was such a blessing to Vanessa! Vanessa began her treatments just a few weeks later. This time, we knew she had to have a bone marrow transplant.


She worked HARD to stay strong in the hospital, depsite being in Dallas while her family was in Tyler and her baby boy was being cared for by his grandmothers. She made laps around the nurses station and worked with PT. There is a picture I love that her mom posted on facebook of her with her sweet bald head using a walker and being supported by several people, but she was walking! What a testimony of her determination...and her stubbornness! :) After the transplant, Vanessa did well for a while and there was even talk of her moving to her isolation apartment. Then we got the call that she wasn't doing so well. She had had close calls before, so I prayed this would be one of those. Mom and I headed to Dallas on Wednesday, January 19th for a quick visit. I am SO VERY GRATEFUL for the opportunity to go when we did. Mom and I listened to some wonderful praise and worship music on the drive there and back, claiming it all for our Vanessa Rae. Once we got to the hospital, I got to rub Vanessa's bald head. I got to tell her I love her. I got to hold her hand while she rested. While she would barely respond when people asked questions of her (except to roll her eyes at one of the doctors!), she blessed me by looking straight at the camera for a picture with me. I had told her she didn't have to move at all, not even to open her eyes. I just wanted my facebook friends to see who they had been praying for. The second before my mom took the picture, Vanessa turned her head and looked right at her. What a fighter! What strength! Before we left, I kissed her head and said "I love you. You know I love you, right?" to which she nodded her head, even though she was beyond exhausted. It was hard to leave her, but I am still so thankful we went when we did.


The next night, at 9:15 pm, Vanessa was in the presence of Jesus. Rob asked me to speak at her Life Celebration. These are my notes from that day.


"Vanessa Rae's Life Celebration...1/24/11




I don't ever remember not knowing Vanessa. We grew up together, first in church here at Summer Grove then in the same neighborhood in Keithville. We spent a lot of time together, especially through high school. We were inseparable. We would take turns spending the night at each other's house, we rode together to school, and did pretty much everything together. We had so much "togetherness" that, at times, we got on each other's nerves! Anyone who knows Vanessa knows that she could be a little bit stubborn. In fact, I once gave her a notepad that said "I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right!" It fit her to a "t" and she loved it. She and I were in the pep squad together our freshman and sophomore years and would video ourselves practicing the cheers in my backyard. You would have thought we were Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders! We were born 13 days apart, and 16 years ago we celebrated our Sweet Sixteenth birthdays together. We worked through years of Bible Drill, got a little too loud at Disciple Nows, and had the best group of friends that we took for granted at the time. But what I remember most about Vanessa is her ZEST for life. She lived her life to the fullest. She loved with her whole heart. She didn't care what people thought about what she did, she lived life her way. She loved to laugh and never minded posing for the camera with her head tilted sideways and a big grin on her face. Boy was she expressive! You could tell what she thought about something just by looking at her face. And what a beautiful face it was! Her faith has always been important to Vanessa, and she was unashamed! She stood for Christ. Period. She was outspoken about that. Even when she was diagnosed, she didn't waver...just kept on being an inspiration to me and countless other by the way she lived. She loved her parents and was proud to call them hers...we gave them some hard times growing up, but we always knew they were grounded in Christ...and that they were probably right about whatever we had done. She loved Casey, and I always thought it was so cool that she had an older brother. And eventually, she met Rob and inherited Emilee and Natalie. Each of them completed a piece of her life, and her precious baby Cameron is absolute proof that miracles still happen. She loved being a Momma to the girls and to Cameron. We talked often about what it was like with two teenage girls in the house...I told her she needed to get all that figured out before it got to be my turn! She'd laugh and say her mom told her it was payback for all the stuff we did back then! My sweet, precious friend, Vanessa Rae, lived and loved. She was saved by grace and lived her life by faith. She was courageous, funny, beautiful, and stronger than she knew. Her legacy of strength and deep faith will continue to inspire people for years to come. I can only hope I will live my life in such a way that honors hers."


Losing her.........I've never experienced anything that comes close to it. I still cannot believe that she's gone. Simply cannot believe it. As horrible as that night was and many of the days since, I know my God is still in control. He didn't abandon Vanessa. He didn't turn his back on us. He healed her, just not like we prayed He would. None of us can pretend we know why He chose to heal her by taking her home. We don't know why He is allowing Cameron to grow up without the one person who loved him more than anyone else. We may never know why. But we don't have to. God is sovereign. Period. Her daddy reminded me of that at her graveside service earlier this month.
 
Now, every time I see hot pink and lime green, I am reminded of my sweet friend. Pink was her favorite color and lime green represents lymphoma awareness. I think of her when I see gerber daisies. I think about her when I put on my lymphoma awareness pin every morning. I think about her a hundred times a day. I miss my friend. I wish she were healed and still here, but I am so glad she is no longer suffering. I know Rob and the kids and Vanessa's family and friends will make it day by day. I know I will. I know my Jesus is with me, at all times and in every circumstance. I am amazed that God would send His only Son to die for me...to be nailed to a wooden cross and murdered...for ME. I cannot ever do anything to deserve it and I will never understand it, but I am so glad He did.
 
I know Vanessa's Jesus. He walks with me daily. He loves me in spite of myself. He died for me...and for YOU. He wants us to seek after Him, and I've been doing a lot more of that these last three months. I wish it hadn't taken losing Vanessa for my faith to be deepened. I pray you know Him and serve Him and seek after Him. I pray you really, truly do. If you don't know Vanessa's Jesus, it's not too late. You need to know Him. You aren't really living without Him.
If you would like to talk to someone about my and Vanessa's Jesus, please feel free to contact me. I can think of no greater way to honor Vanessa's life than by sharing her Jesus with someone else.
 
I lost Vanessa on January 20th, 2011, when she won her battle with cancer. My life will never be the same. I lost her, but I have gained so much hope and faith. I am grateful for the strength of my Lord when I have had none. He has carried me through.